Both/And: When Daily Life Feels Full of Contradictions
July 25, 2025
It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. A full one to be posted, at least. A lot of the time, I sit and stare blankly at my computer screen or fidget with my pen, leaving my journal pages empty. Sometimes I think it’s because I don’t know where to start, sometimes I think it’s because there aren’t words to describe what goes on in my head, and other times my insecurities tell me to stay quiet.
Recently, I remembered when one of my high school basketball coaches asked me, challenged me, to just sit down and let the pen move across the paper... To set a five minute timer and just write, no goal or agenda, let the thoughts spill out.
More times than not, my writer’s block comes from insecurity that I can’t speak from a place of hurt and struggle. Ironic… a lot of my writing emphasizes the power of vulnerability and sharing what no one wants to share. Shedding light on the darkest parts of life, well, makes the darkness go away. A monster can’t lurk in a bright closet. Satan can’t do ANYTHING in the presence of Jesus.
My whole heart for this blog has always been honesty, vulnerability, and writing about the messiness of the mundane and the complexities of life. So here are some recent thoughts, lessons learned, and battles fought… not written perfectly, but shared in hopes that someone else would know they’re not alone.
My eating disorder has been really hard to battle lately. Because I’m in recovery and write publicly about my journey, struggling with this is really hard for me. It brings up a lot of shame and doubt, and I tend to believe the lie that all the progress I’ve made has been erased. Logically, I know better than to believe that.
“I’m tired of fighting the same thing.”
“Eating is a basic human function to survive… I’m angry and sad that it’s so hard for me.”
“I’m helpless in trying to completely heal from this disorder.”
These thoughts cross my mind daily. Almost like a playlist on repeat. A broken record. Background noise. But as I sit here and let the thoughts pour out, I’m realizing what the Lord is teaching me in this season as the battle feels never-ending: Life can be hard and messy but that doesn’t change who He is. How often do I forget that having the joy of the Lord is never based on my own circumstances?!
Here’s the cool part— I’m allowed to be frustrated, sad, disappointed. I’m allowed to grieve. But I also get to rejoice. I am helpless. But if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t need Jesus. Because I am helpless, His redemption and grace gets to illuminate every aspect of the good and the bad. Regardless of how loud the thoughts are, His goodness doesn’t change.
Of course, I’m asking Him all the questions… questions that have been asked for the entirety of human existence and will continue to be asked until Jesus calls us home: Why does God allow suffering? Why does He heal some and not others? Where is He in the darkest moments when I just want to stop trying? I’ve asked the questions plenty of times before now. I’m sure I’ll ask them later on too.
I won’t have answers to those questions anytime soon. What I do know is that His character doesn’t waiver and His love never ends. And that is enough because He is enough. Disclaimer: knowing that Jesus is enough for me doesn’t mean the battle gets any easier. It just means I have comfort in knowing that I’m not fighting alone. It means I can shift my focus… because if my eyes are only focused on the struggle right before me, I’ll miss out on all the miraculous works of an incredible God. “Look up, child.”
If you grabbed a cup of coffee, pulled up a chair to my table, and asked me how I was doing, this is the update I’d give you. In short, I’m doing really great. So many parts of my life are so incredible and I get excited to get out of bed most mornings. AND… the day to day of my life has also been really hard. My own mind and body are the worst places to be. It’s brutal when my alarm goes off and I know I’m about to face a full day of battling. But I’ve gotten through it before, I will get through it again.
Today, I’m making space for things to be both amazing and painful. Beautiful and messy. Full of gratitude and full of sorrow. If you’re like me and want things to be black and white, we can let that desire go. We have to. The best parts of living are found in all the gray, the in-between, the moments where there is peace in the coexistence of good and bad. It’s not ignoring what’s tough, but it’s not dwelling on it either. I need to slow down and find the stillness to hold both. There I am able to breathe and trust that everything is, and will be, okay.
To my First Love,
Thank You for being faithful to walk with me in every valley as my good Shepherd. When life feels too heavy to face, help me to look to You, knowing that You work everything for good. When it’s hard to find the words, may my lips speak of Your goodness and praise Your name. Today, I declare that I trust You in every season.
Amen